I find myself at a time of introspection. I am constantly thinking about where/who I’ve been, where I am now and where I want to go. I feel very at odds with myself. My youth and young adult years were everything I could have hoped for, at least until Serena entered the scene and things were derailed for quite some time. As is to be expected, that left chaos in its wake and we’ve been searching for a place to stand ever since.
Ironically, by default, while I was simply trying to survive, life moved me to where I said I never wanted to be, in what I used to term the “treadmill of life.” I am on the path to being the typical “soccer mom.”
For many, that is exactly where they want to be. For me . . . well, you know the line from Pirates of theCaribbean? “A pirate’s life for me?” Well, the spirit of that line is very much me. In fact, it’s been echoing in my head lately. J
Now don’t get me wrong. I love my children and I love being a mother. I wouldn’t trade a one of them, not even Serena, despite all of the pain she brought with her. It’s just I want my cake and to eat it too.
I want the joy of family and I want the life of adventure. Is that even possible? Is it fair to my children? I struggle with this on a daily basis. I have yet to come to a conclusion that seems satisfying and so, for the time being, I pretend to be the soccer mom, a role I am very ill designed to play if I’m totally honest with myself.
In our youth we are told we can be whatever we want to be. We’re told to shoot for the stars. We dream, we hope, we start on the path, and then life happens. And we are left disgruntled and disillusioned.
As I remind myself continually, life is not lived in the destinations or the achievements. It is lived in the little things, the moments of pure happiness: My children’s laughter, kisses and snuggles, the unbridled excitement of new experiences to little eyes as we introduce them to the world. Those are the moments of life.
Still, I can’t let go of the idea that there must be a way to have my cake and to eat it too. So still I ponder. And I am determined, I will find an answer. It is the dilemma of the modern mom.