I know most of you moms out there will have struggled with a lot of these feelings. Many of the dads out there too I would guess. I hope this helps you know that you are not alone, that your are not a bad mother for feeling this way sometimes, and most importantly that what you do counts and it really is worth it. 🙂 Also, for you moms who are not home with your kiddos, this is in no way meant to judge you. Each has to make the decision of what is best for their own family.
It hurts, you know. Like an ache that courses through my body. It throbs. I long for my old life. The life that made sense. The life where I was someone. Now I’m just anonymous. Lost. The one who used to be someone special. The former beauty. The disappointment. The failure. One more mother, lost in a crowd of anonymity.
I long for more. I want more. Part of me just wants to take off running for it. But then I look at them. Their beautiful, innocent little faces. They deserve more. They deserve a mom who’s there for the little things. A mom who dries their tears and teaches them to conquer the worst life brings. They deserve me. Not a day care worker. Not a babysitter. They deserve me.
It’s not about me right now. It doesn’t matter how much I’m screaming inside. It doesn’t matter that for this time in my life I am lost in the ranks of obscurity. It doesn’t matter that I am lost even to myself. If I focus on me, we have all lost, and I will never forgive myself.
So I box it. I press it down into a tidy little package and set it on the back shelf along with all my hopes and dreams that became temporarily abandoned when I made the choice to be a mother. They’re getting dusty back there, and some of them will be forgotten forever, but that’s okay, because others I will reach for one day, when I have the luxury of examining them again, and I will find more than a dream. I will find something that I never could have done, a person I never could have been if I hadn’t put myself, heart and soul, on the line for somebody else. Then, finally, I will be able to become the dream and no one will have lost.