The Hardest Job in the World: Self Denial

          I know most of you moms out there will have struggled with a lot of these feelings. Many of the dads out there too I would guess. I hope this helps you know that you are not alone, that your are not a bad mother for feeling this way sometimes, and most importantly that what you do counts and it really is worth it. 🙂  Also, for you moms who are not home with your kiddos, this is in no way meant to judge you. Each has to make the decision of what is best for their own family.

            It hurts, you know. Like an ache that courses through my body. It throbs. I long for my old life. The life that made sense. The life where I was someone. Now I’m just anonymous. Lost. The one who used to be someone special. The former beauty. The disappointment. The failure. One more mother, lost in a crowd of anonymity.

            I long for more. I want more. Part of me just wants to take off running for it. But then I look at them. Their beautiful, innocent little faces. They deserve more. They deserve a mom who’s there for the little things. A mom who dries their tears and teaches them to conquer the worst life brings. They deserve me. Not a day care worker. Not a babysitter. They deserve me.

            It’s not about me right now. It doesn’t matter how much I’m screaming inside. It doesn’t matter that for this time in my life I am lost in the ranks of obscurity. It doesn’t matter that I am lost even to myself. If I focus on me, we have all lost, and I will never forgive myself.

            So I box it. I press it down into a tidy little package and set it on the back shelf along with all my hopes and dreams that became temporarily abandoned when I made the choice to be a mother. They’re getting dusty back there, and some of them will be forgotten forever, but that’s okay, because others I will reach for one day, when I have the luxury of examining them again, and I will find more than a dream. I will find something that I never could have done, a person I never could have been if I hadn’t put myself, heart and soul, on the line for somebody else. Then, finally, I will be able to become the dream and no one will have lost.

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7 thoughts on “The Hardest Job in the World: Self Denial

  1. I wish I had something wise and profond to say, lets try this. Christ tells us to be selfless, to do on to others as we would have them do on to us. Maybe he was talking about mothers. There is no more important job then raising a good and faithful child. From one mother to another, this too will pass. Those wonderful children of yours are growing up way to fast. Enjoy them.

    1. I didn’t mean the post to be negative. I was more trying to say that though we give up so much now, it will change who we are and make certain dreams more achievable someday. I guess I didn’t state it well.

  2. Just found this one after being off FB for a while- wow. Heartbreaking and true. I know the feeling~ there are times that life feels like a too tight suit, and all I want to do is rip it off and break free and just BE- be alone, be quiet, be selfish (although I am plenty selfish right now), to daydream and then act on it. And then I feel guilty, and then go give my sweet ones an extra hug and kiss. . . I hope I am a better person after having kids (ummm, the jury is still out?) but the lessons we are learning will make us stronger, more focused and more important, I think achieving our dreams in the future will mean more having waited.

    1. You are one of the best people I know and I think you will only be better for having kids. I think they make us deeper and more round individuals. (no pun intended! 🙂 ) I have to believe that when we finally get around to those dreams that they will be all the sweeter! Here’s to someday!! 😀

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